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HALE BOPP CLAIMS LIVES OF YORK UNIVERSITY BOARD OF GOVERNORS AND "UPPER LEVEL" ADMINISTRATORS IN BIZARRE MASS SUICIDE

The appearance of the Hale Bopp comet has been linked with another mass suicide. Early yesterday morning the bodies of 15 members of York University's Board of Governors along with an undisclosed number of "higher level" administrators were discovered in a strange chamber just beneath the pinnacle of the Vari Hall rotunda.

It was revealed late yesterday that there were some astonishing similarities between this mass suicide and the earlier one of the heaven's gate cultists last month. First, in both cases, plastic bags had been placed over the heads of the cult members. However, in the York University case these bags were full of big Macs, apparently to serve as soul food in the afterlife.

In another interesting parallel it was revealed that each of the 5 bodies that had received autopsies as of late last night, had been surgically tampered with. All five, including ex-President Susan ex-Mann had been surgically degendered, apparently in an attempt to remove the source of erotic feelings amongst the cultists. But in a remarkable unique twist each of the York Board of Governors and administrators had had their hearts replaced by extremely small, extremely efficient clockwork machines. It is believed that this was done to remove any potential for them feeling any emotions whatsoever towards York faculty, staff or students.

One unexplained aspect of this case is that the feet of each of the cultists were covered in plastic bags that were full of faintly slimy, damp shoes.

It appears that the location of this mass suicide, an unusual and hitherto unknown chamber at the pinnacle of the Vari Hall rotunda, was in fact the control centre of the entire structure which has turned out to be a fully equipped space ship which was meant to have taken off along the strip leading from Vari Hall to the main gate. This area had recently been refurbished to serve as a launching pad to take the cultists to their beloved Hale Bopp comet. In typical York planning fashion this launching pad faces East whereas the route to the comet should have been to the West.

Forensic tests revealed that all of the dead had consumed poison laced beaujolais at their places in the control room with the exception of one individual, the cults leader Michael Stevenson (alias the man with the $146,000 raincoat). He had apparently died of mechanical meltdown while frantically trying to locate the take off button which, astoundingly, had not been incorporated into the design as a result of last minute cost cutting strategies.

It had long been known that York had been going through serious financial problems. But this mass suicide has led to the discovery of some of the ultimate sources of these woes. Initially, small amounts were siphoned off to bank accounts in South Africa. But more recently the amounts vanishing from York coffers had increased dramatically.

Starting last year, the words "sent to interstellar bank accounts run by small furry creatures from alpha centauri" could be read in the margins of the financial leger books. Until late last night it was not certain how this had happened, but then strange messages started appearing on the board of governor's home page web site. Under their logo of the double yellow heavenly arch, appeared the words "so long and thanks for all the moths". York science faculty believe this to be an allusion to Academic VP Brock Fenton's involvement with the cult. It now seems that his expertise in alternate means of communication through the emission of high pitched squeaks, generally inaudible to the human ear, permitted the transfer of funds to interstellar bank accounts.

So insatiable were the financial requirements of these "small furry creatures" that one "upper level" administrator had infiltrated the financial systems of a nearby University - Waterloo - where funds had recently been detected to be leaking mysteriously.

One mystery that this sequence of events has cleared up is the loss of money from faculty research grants. It is now realised that the implementation of a new accounting system, involving mysterious 25 digit codes, served to siphon off research funds to secret intermediate accounts operated by the company that wrote the computer program. This package, purchased from Rajneeshpuram college in Oregon was purchased by York administration for an undisclosed sum. However, a York parking attendant noted yesterday that the huge fleet of pink rolls royces that had been amassing near gate 3 had disappeared overnight.

As a final blow, the aministration recently forced a strike by the faculty so that they could finally top up their eternal accounts with unspent faculty salary.

YUFA negotiator David Clipsham is quoted as saying "I find it ironic that the administration has painted YUFA as being interested only in luxurious pensions while all the time these "temporary vessels" were setting up bank accounts on another star system that would enable them to afford eternal paradise."

People who survived attempts at brainwashing by cult members have begun to tell their sad story. Joan Wick-Pelletier, former Acadmic VP, rock star and mathematician, said that "they used to invite me to small, intimate parties where they would play early Pink Floyd albums. They would look at me particularly meaningfully whenever the tracks "careful with that axe Eugene" or "set the controls for the heart of the sun" came on. I felt very uncomfortable then but I now realise that these songs signified that the end of the University administration would come after the election of the Harris government and the appearance of the Hale Bopp comet. After I was replaced by Fenton I was invited to a larger party where I heard strange high pitched squeaks emanating from Michael Stevenson and I notices that whenever this happened the ears of the other people present would twitch in strange ways. They kept trying to get me to perform mathematical analyses of cumulative interest on large sums of money over thousands of years but I felt so spooked by their strange behaviour that I couldn't concentrate and in the end they threw me out."

Another survivor is the leader of the centre for decanal sustainability Darth Vader Jedi Bell. It is rumoured that he was not permitted to become a permanent member of the cult because he refused to have his heart removed.

Meanwhile, students, staff and faculty at the University are somewhat relieved. "We are glad that all of the mysterious goings on of recent years will now stop" said one student leader who requested that her name not be used.