Extracts from GCSE English papers:

A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.

It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.

The problem with intersexual swimming is that the boys often outstip the girls

(From 16 yr old Jenny): Running is a unique experience and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.

The dog ran across the lawn emitting whelps all the way.

The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women only more horrible.

The difference between a King and a President is that a King is the son of his father, but a president isn't.

H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

The three types of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Artificial Insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow and not the bull.

To be a good nurse you must be absolutely sterile.

When you breathe you inspire, when you do not breathe, you expire.

Hereditary means that if your grandfather didn't have any children, then your father probably wouln't have any, and neither would you, probably.

Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.

Extracts from GCSE History Papers:

The Renaissance Continues-

It was an age of great discoveries and inventions. Gutenberg invented the bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumciced the world with a 100 ft. clipper !

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He liveds at Windsor with his merry wives , writing tragedies, comedies and errors.

In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother.

In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The proof that the witches in "Macbeth" were supernatural is that no one could eat what they cooked.

The clown in "As you like it" is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cerevantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.

The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the renaissance America began.

Christipher Columbus was a greay navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean and this was called Pilgrims Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all of this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.

Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared,"A horse divided against itself cannot stand".

Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to ensure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to bare arms.

Abe Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. he also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

Meanwhile, in Europe, gravity was invented by Isacc Walton. It is chiefly nopticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world , and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died.

Extracts from GCSE papers: European History;

France was in a very serious state. the french Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napolean. During the Napoleonic Warts, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.

Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted a hair to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness they had no children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on the thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemlpatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyprus McCormick invented the McCormick raper which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis, whilst Charles Darwin, a naturalist, wrote "The Organ of the Species". Madame Curry discovered radio and Karl Marx of Marx brothers fame was born.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.