SATIRE 4 ©Niall Rudd 2005

'The conceited young Alcibiades aspires to govern his country, although he manages his private life on the lowest principles. 

'No one looks into his own soul. Instead we carp at the faults of others. As a result we in turn are open to malicious attack. Self- deception cannot be maintained indefinitely, and popular acclaim is unreliable. Examine your own soul and see how inadequate it is.'

The first twenty-two verses are supposed to be addressed by Socrates to the young Alcibiades. The latter, who was active in the last quarter

of the fifth century BC, represents the politician whose brilliance is not supported by moral integrity.  

The setting is based on the pseudo-Platonic dialogue known as Alcibiades I.

Running the country are you? (The question comes from the bearded

sage who was carried off by that deadly swig of hemlock.)

By what right? Tell me, mighty Pericles' ward.

Of course your native ability and ready grasp of affairs

have developed ahead of your beard. You  can sense what has to be said

and what suppressed. And so, when the proles are seething with  anger,

you feel impelled to reduce the feverish mob to silence

with a lordly gesture. And then what will you say? 'My friends,

this, for instance, isn't right; that's bad; but that is better.'

10 You can weigh justice in the double pans of the swaying balance;

you can see the straight when it runs between two types of crooked,

or when the rule misleads because of a different standard,

and you don't hesitate to condemn faults with a black x.

So why not doff that attractive skin (it does you no good),

and stop wagging your puppy's tail at the flattering rabble?

You'd be better to lower whole Anticyras of neat hellebore!

What's your idea of the highest good? To dine forever

among the flesh-pots and pamper your skin with regular sunshine?

But wait-this hag will give the very same answer. Go on, then,

20 puff out your chest: 'I'm Lady Dinomache's son; and I'm handsome.'

Fine, but your motives aren't any higher than those of wizened

old Baucis as she hawks her sexy herbs to a slob of a slave.

No one - no one - tries to delve into his heart;

everyone watches the bag on the back of the man in front.

If you ask 'Do you know Vettidius' place?' 'Which Vettidius?'              

'The squire at Cures - the one with acres a kite couldn't cross.'

'Oh that damned creature. Even his own mother couldn't love him.

On a public holiday he hangs up his yoke at the cross-road shrines;

reluctantly scraping the dirty old seal off his1ittle wine-jar,

30 he groans "Cheers!" and downs the shrivelled dregs of his senile

vinegar, munching an onion in its jacket with a pinch of salt.

His slaves cheer excitedly at getting a bowl of porridge.'

But if, after a rub, you relax and focus the sun.

on your skin, a stranger appears beside you, digs you with his elbow,

and spits abuse: 'What a way to behave, weeding your privates

and the recesses of your rump, displaying your shrivelled vulva to the public!

On your jaws you keep a length of rug which you comb and perfume;

so why is your crotch plucked smooth around your dangling worm?

Though half a dozen masseurs in the gym uproot this plantation,

40 assailing your flabby buttocks with hot pitch and the claws

of tweezers, no plough ever made will tame that bracken.'

We shoot and in turn expose our legs to the barbs of others.

That's how we live; it's the way we know. You've a hidden wound

down in your groin, but it's covered by a broad golden belt.

As you wish; play tricks and deceive your muscles, if you are able.

'But the neighbours  insist I'm a splendid fellow. Am I not to believe them?'

If you're so greedy that you turn pale at the sight of cash,

if you do whatever occurs to your prick, if you carefully whip up

the harsh rate of interest, causing many a weal,

50 there's no point in lending a thirsty ear to the public.

Spit out what isn't you; let the crowd take back what they

have conferred; live alone, and learn how sparse your furniture is.

SATVRA IV

'Rem populi tractas?' (barbatum haec crede magistrum
dicere, sorbitio tollit quem dira cicutae)
'quo fretus? dic hoc, magni pupille Pericli.
scilicet ingenium et rerum prudentia uelox
ante pilos uenit, dicenda tacendaue calles.            5
ergo ubi commota feruet plebecula bile,
fert animus calidae fecisse silentia turbae
maiestate manus. quid deinde loquere? "Quirites,
hoc puta non iustum est, illud male, rectius illud."

scis etenim iustum gemina suspendere lance            10
ancipitis librae, rectum discernis ubi inter
curua subit uel cum fallit pede regula uaro,
et potis es nigrum uitio praefigere theta.
quin tu igitur summa nequiquam pelle decorus
ante diem blando caudam iactare popello            15
desinis, Anticyras melior sorbere meracas?
quae tibi summa boni est? uncta uixisse patella
semper et adsiduo curata cuticula sole?
expecta, haut aliud respondeat haec anus. i nunc,
"Dinomaches ego sum" suffla, "sum candidus."esto, 20
dum ne deterius sapiat pannucia Baucis,
cum bene discincto cantauerit ocima uernae.'

    ut nemo in sese temptat descendere, nemo,
sed praecedenti spectatur mantica tergo!
quaesieris 'nostin Vettidi praedia?' 'cuius?'            25
'diues arat Curibus quantum non miluus errat.'
'hunc ais, hunc dis iratis genioque sinistro,
qui, quandoque iugum pertusa ad compita figit,
seriolae ueterem metuens deradere limum
ingemit "hoc bene sit" tunicatum cum sale mordens  30
cepe et farratam pueris plaudentibus ollam
pannosam faecem morientis sorbet aceti?'

at si unctus cesses et figas in cute solem,
est prope te ignotus cubito qui tangat et acre
despuat: 'hi mores! penemque arcanaque lumbi   35
runcantem populo marcentis pandere uuluas.
tum, cum maxillis balanatum gausape pectas,
inguinibus quare detonsus gurgulio extat?
quinque palaestritae licet haec plantaria uellant
elixasque nates labefactent forcipe adunca,            40
non tamen ista filix ullo mansuescit aratro.'

    caedimus inque uicem praebemus crura sagittis.
uiuitur hoc pacto, sic nouimus. ilia subter
caecum uulnus habes, sed lato balteus auro
praetegit. ut mauis, da uerba et decipe neruos,    45
si potes. 'egregium cum me uicinia dicat,
non credam?' uiso si palles, inprobe, nummo,
si facis in penem quidquid tibi uenit, amarum
si puteal multa cautus uibice flagellas,
nequiquam populo bibulas donaueris aures.          50
respue quod non es; tollat sua munera cerdo.
tecum habita: noris quam sit tibi curta supellex.