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Thursday 28 [November 1805]
The Lord is still gracious unto me in
lengthening out my days here b[e]low and granting me to
enjoy now and then a glimpse of Glory. I have been
endeavouring to examine myself deeply, especially the
motives of my actions. Do I not seek my own honor or praise
in my public exercise. Do I strive to touch the heart as
well as to work upon the affections? Do I endeavour to press
truth upon the conscience, regardless of either praise or
dispraise. Do I endeavour to convince the Judgement and
inform the understanding rather than please the fancy? With
regard to myself. Am I calm and even in my temper in
adversity as well as prosperity? Do I feel as well when
people smite me, as if they defended me. Am I as well
pleased with dishonour when I am conscious of having given
no offense, but only by speaking the truth, as I am with
honor under the like circumstances. Can I submit my course
to God, and trust him without murmuring at all times. Do I
love my Enemies and pray for them as heartily as for my
friends [Mt
5.44]. Again: Do I mind the manner or the matter most? Am
I as intent to be nothing as something, to be despised for
Christ's sake, or to be loved and esteemed. Am I as
concerned for the Prosperity of Zion at large as I am in
that Particular place where my lot is cast? Do I rejoice as
much at hearing of other's labors being blessed as I do to
have mine own blessed. Am I willing to hear another's
opinion, and to have mine own scorned and to retract it if
convinced by fair and manly arguments of it's being
erroneous? Do I grow in Grace? Am I more and more dead to
the World? Do I love sweet devotion, and am I as much
engaged to get an answer to prayer, as I am to pray? Do I
pray in public as knowing God hears me, or do I pray to be
admired, as tho none but Man heard me: O God do thou help me
to [unintelligible word] my better knowledge in practice. Pardon my shortcoming, and
help me infirmities for Christ's sake.
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