Michael Kaufman says a big problem in our society is that we don't see parenting as real men's work. Kaufman, a former Atkinson social science and political science professor, has written extensively on men and men's roles (his most recent book is Cracking the Armour: Power, Pain and the Lives of Men). He says many studies have shown the problem of male violence against women and children often stems from men's absence from nurturing and caregiving. "Tribal societies in which men equally shared parenting had little or no violence against children or women or among the men."

    Like Mandell, Kaufman isn't sure the fathering/father's rights movement has got its message right. "The Promise Keepers is a good example," he says. "Their message seems to be, 'Keep the promise [to be a father to your biological child], take responsibility, go home, and tell the wife who's boss.' The problem has always been with how men have defined their power. Our experience of power is contradictory. Because of the ways we've defined our powers, generally in a patriarchal way (politically, socially and economically), we're now experiencing incredible loneliness, isolation and pain. But perhaps as men learn to relinquish power and control we can discover our humanity."

    If fear of the fathering movement revolves around the struggle for power, there are ways it can be overcome, suggests Ken Canfield. One way is to trade off roles. "Surely leadership within a family can fluctuate. People can trade power. I think it's time to escape pre-determined assumptions [about what roles men and women can or can't play]. I don't think we need to get caught up in ivory tower views of men and ideas about masculinity. Men need simple skills."

    Sharing power and gender roles is often at the heart of many couples' problems, says York grad Bryan Phillips (PhD '87). A psychologist who specializes in couples counselling, Phillips says much of his experience with struggling couples centres around women finding a way to share the responsibility of parenting with their husbands. "Men have difficulties with gender stereotypes," he says. "There's a deep fear and concern in most men with their competence [in raising children]. It's really an irrational fear, but it's real. I think we need to meld ability with need...to see what each gender is capable of, each according to his or her strengths."

    But critics of the fathering movement aren't only worried that the message is a return to a patriarchal model, they're also concerned about what the fathering movement may be doing to men. Phillips says the publicity the fathering movement has garnered may be creating unrealistic expectations among Boomer dads. "There's been too much hype in the fathering movement. One possible side-effect is that men in their forties or fifties may come to see their own experience as falling short. This could add to stress, to a sense of dis-adjustment because of their own parenting models."