India Madsen
Editor, LA&PS Voices
The hashtag #couplegoals took off around 2010, bringing fuzzy Valencia-filtered selfies of couples kissing, wearing annoying matching T-shirts, or enjoying luxurious beach vacations. Even though the hashtag’s popularity has waned, it’s easy to become so preoccupied with emulating the “goal worthy” relationships we see in social media posts, movies, and magazines that we lose focus of the qualities that we truly value, like trust, honesty, and support. To find out what a real green flag looks like from a source that isn’t social media, I attended the LA&PS Healthy Relationships Workshop on February 7th.
“We often think of good relationships as a perfect utopia” said workshop leader Jessica Thyriar, but she went on to explain that this isn’t a realistic or healthy perspective. Thyriar, who is the Education and Training Specialist at York’s Centre for Sexual Violence Response, Support and Education, explained that the qualities that constitute a “good” relationship are different for everyone.
To help participants figure out what they valued in a relationship, Thyriar suggested we ask ourselves questions like,
“What makes me feel good about myself?”
“What boundaries do I set with others?”
And, “What was the first relationship I ever experienced? How did it impact my views of future relationships?”
To flesh out your values and expectations regarding romantic relationships, it can also be helpful to look to your relationships with family, friends, and even acquaintances. According to Thyriar, the ways that we learn to navigate these relationships form a “base” for how we navigate romantic relationships.
Even though there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, Thyriar did share a few helpful green flags.
Firstly, it’s important to be able to work through anger and disagreement while maintaining mutual respect. For example, you should be able to express dissatisfaction with particular behaviors without belittling one another.
Secondly, healthy relationships thrive when both people have a certain degree of independence. Multiple workshop participants noted that they valued independence in a relationship. Every couple has different expectations and standards about how much independence is necessary, but no matter what your preferences are, it’s important to maintain friendships, routines, and interests that aren’t attached to your partner.
Thirdly, Thyriar pointed out that a healthy relationship depends on communication. Even though characters in movies always seem to know exactly what the other person needs, this isn’t something to strive for in real life. Focus on “asking, not expecting” when it comes to sharing what you need, she said.
Most importantly, you should always feel safe with your partner. “Safety is not just physical Thyriar explained. You should feel that you are free to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner without worrying that they will lash out or that they will use them against you.
At the LA&PS Healthy Relationships Workshop, I learned more about not only what a healthy relationship looks like, but what my personal values were. Most importantly, I learned that building a healthy relationship involves looking inward, not looking to the idealized relationships we often see in the media.