Some Sort of Something
The East stairwell. Centre for Film and Theatre, York University. ASH sits in the windowsill, donut in hand. He looks at the donut and waves it around during his speech as if speaking through it.
ASH
I sat here all day then. Love this place. Its design is just… I mean, there’s not even a cork-board over here. It’s blank. No one comes here. It’s a forgotten… it’s a stairwell that’s rarely used – a stairwell that seems to’ve been added last minute. No need. Not really thought out. Probably drawn on by some amateur who stole the blueprint and wanted to leave his mark. No purpose. Well… that’s not entirely true… I guess it serves the fire marshal and all his concerns. But still: no people, no purpose, no beauty, no defining features except… that. I sat here all day then, puzzling over the architectural purpose behind that tiny window… not here exactly. Down there. I sat down there.
Thought maybe it was in line with the sun so at a certain hour of the day it would light up and reveal some hidden passage to me, some hidden door or something, something you see in Indiana Jones, you know? So I sat there, all eager, staring at the wall, not even at the window. I was sure, somewhere on the wall down there would be some sort of clue, some sort of something that was light sensitive, that when the light hit would open and… and… So I sat here then, staring. Brought some donuts too. I sat here eating donuts waiting for the sun to rise, to move. Had to wait all day. Yeah I know once noon rolls around I’m shit outta luck for the sun to shine in through there. I’m not stupid. But I am hopeful.
Thought maybe there was, you know in places so intricately built there is a contraption of sorts, some mechanism to deflect the sun, focus it’s rays just where you want it… then I started thinking, well how do I know if today is the right day? Most of these contraptions work only on certain days… like solar alignment or eclipses or something… and there I was, sitting here like a fool on a Wednesday afternoon, eating donuts and expecting something to happen. Which is ridiculous right? So I decided after that day, when the sun had gone down, to never do that again – go out on a whim like that. No. What I needed to do was to find all the important days of the world and mark them down, returning here on each and every one of those days, from dawn to dusk. It’s the only way to be sure. When I got home then, my girlfriend yelled at me “Where you been? I made dinner… Thought you were coming home for dinner… so I… you know we don’t have a microwave so you’re just going to have to eat it cold,” she says. But she doesn’t understand. I can’t tell her.
Can’t tell her I was up at some university I don’t even go to just to look at the architecture… nah, can’t say that. She’d probably think I’m having some sort of affair, start yelling at me, throwing things and, and I just can’t deal with that. So I tell her I’ve taken some volunteer duty for the masons. They got a lodge up at Black Creek here. Told her I felt I wasn’t pulling my weight with them, had to make it up. She won’t argue with me when I mention the masons. So every month, one day a month, I come up here, dawn to dusk. Sitting with a donut waiting for something to tell me the secrets of life. To tell me I’m doing alright, that I’m on the right track, that this life, this relationship I’m in is what I need to be in, that I’m not wasting my time, idly, as the world turns about me and all the mystery and importance of life escapes me. That I’ve got faith. And that’s strong. And I need that faith, or else… this faith is telling me there’s something important here. And if this faith is lying, is taking me in the wrong direction, well there ain’t a whole lot that’s keeping me in these parts anymore any way and I’ve got an ace up my sleeve – I’ll just tell her, tell her I’ve gone away. On a retreat with the masons. For a long time. She won’t argue with that. Never argues when I bring up the masons.
ASH looks at his donut. Beat. He puts it away.
End.
