New Age Difficulties
ASHLEY is sitting in a chair. Her cell phone rings.
ASHLEY
Hello? Hi Mom. Yeah I’m waiting right now. Why would I be waiting if he was already here? I don’t know how well it will go…we haven’t even met yet. We’re not getting married. Well I’m glad you think he’s a nice boy. No, I’m not practicing what I’m gonna say. Fine, “Hi I’m Ashley and will you please let me bear your children.” What do you want me to say? No, I didn’t eat yet. Yes I am eating enough vegetables to sustain my daily life activities so that one day I may live to be as accomplished as you are. Mom, I gotta go. (thinking of an excuse) I think I see him. Ok, bye.
ASHLEY hangs up. After a few moments, the cell phone rings again. She looks down at the phone and then answers it.
Hello? I have no idea what’s he wearing. It was the wrong person. Why am I even meeting him here? Like, do you know how hard it was to find this place – half the students didn’t even know there was a third floor. Oh, so because he couldn’t get out of class, I had to leave mine early? Sure sounds like he’ll be an accommodating husband. What? I don’t know who ate the rice last. What are you so angry about? Yes if the rice cooker was empty, I would make more rice. I mean it’s not like we have an entire 26 pound rice dispenser filled with eager little rice pebbles waiting to be eaten or anything. I’m sorry, I promise I will refrain from being sarcastic. I think it’s a lovely rice dispenser. I’m gonna go, okay? No, don’t touch anything in my room. I’ll clean it later. Mom – step away from the vacuum. Ugh, Fine…but don’t throw anything away please. ‘Kay bye.
ASHLEY moves the phone away from her.
Why is my Mom so annoying…?
ASHLEY presses the hang up button. Before she can let go of the phone, it rings again. She is hesitant before she answers it.
Ugh, what? No…I don’t think you’re annoying. Well I didn’t think you could hear me. You know that I’m not going to pick up when he’s here, right? I’m not checking my messages. Because it was an added feature that happened to come along with this devil contraption you just had to buy for me, which I now highly regret accepting. Because you keep calling me asking about stuff that isn’t even important. No, an important call would be something like the house is on fire or someone is dying. Can we please get off the phone? I am not disrespecting you. Yes, I know you’re my mom. Don’t- Yes I know the labour was hard. I’m sorry, but I can’t do anything about it now. Look, if we ever have to do that again, I promise to get out as fast as humanly possible, Okay? Mom, I’m hanging up now. Bye.
ASHLEY hangs up. It begins to ring again. She answers.
Che duc oi. Ma phone cuon wai ye? Ma moun ke ye? Hi? I think you have the wrong number. Are you looking for Aiva because her friends have been constantly calling me for months now asking if I’m her and it’s like do I sound like Aiva? What? Yes I like milk. I’m actually kinda busy…for the rest of my life so bye.
ASHLEY hangs up. It rings in her hand. She answers it yet again.
I hope this is one very important phone call. (pausing) Hi. He isn’t here yet. How did you even find out? I’m going to kill Cindy later on today. I can’t just tell her; it’s not that easy. No it isn’t, she’s not your mother. What makes you think this woman is going to understand when she’s asked me not to date anyone for the past three years until I graduate university? If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. That wasn’t what I meant. Fine, what do you want me to do? What would make you happy? Please don’t be like this. (pausing) Fine, bye then.
ASHLEY hangs up. After a few moments, the cell phone rings. She answers.
Look, I’m sorry about all the stuff I said. I really didn’t mean it. (pausing) Mom? Well, I definitely am. (pausing) Do you…do you honestly think this is gonna work out? Between me and this guy? I just don’t think it will. The guy comes from a family that sells soap for a living. He’s a germ killer. Who cares what we’re having for dinner? Seriously, how far could you possibly get in the business of soap? I’m sure they have made some ground breaking discoveries. I should thank them because now I can clean my dishes faster leaving me more time to help my ever so accommodating husband raise our eight children. (pausing) I just chose that number at random, it wasn’t really the point. I mean, kudos to those children bearing women overpopulating the world. It’s fine, I’m completely fine with it. Go them. Nothing’s bothering me – except the fact that you’re not really listening to me. You know, I almost wish I could revert back to those infant days when outcries would actually be listened to by you. I mean like when I was crying because I wanted my diaper changed, you would just do it because you knew that’s what I wanted. No, I don’t want simon fish for dinner. I’m glad you brought that up actually because I have some light I’d like to shed. Simon fish doesn’t exist, it’s actually called salmon. Yes, yes it is. Your lies have ruined my childhood eating salmon memories. People didn’t know what the hell I was even frickin’ talking about when I told them I had simon fish for dinner, then I was like YES, IT IS A FISH. I supported you without question and when did you ever do that for me? No, you’re still not getting it. (pausing) I’m seeing someone else and he isn’t Asian. He’s White. Mom?
ASHLEY hangs up.
